Yes it’s Creatordudes first ever competition and you can enter it safe in the knowledge that none of your information will be kept on file or passed on to some money grubbing bastard who will spam you with offers of Phillipino organ transplants using the name of Lola Bigbotti
“How can this be?” I hear you ask. Well it’s because in between overseeing the destruction of the planet I’m kinda benevolent on a very small scale.
All you have to do is send in an original limerick.Every two weeks I’ll pick a winner and that winner will receive a copy of my poetry book Caught in the Headlights of Life ( please, calm down) and my CD God Looks Back.
The entries will be posted as they come in and no, I won’t be storing them up and selling them in book form later on in order to retire to the South of France (which I think is technically the Mediterranean Sea).
If you don’t know what a limerick is then your cat must have showed you how to work your computer..but just in case, here are some dude limericks as examples. WARNING some turds may consider these to be in bad taste.
There was a young lad from Calcutta
with an arse like caramel butter.
he made money in bed,
giving Indian head
all thanks to his marvellous stutter.
or, in a more whimsical vein....
There once was a lady from Broome
who had an enormous womb.
Rented, festooned with lights
for weddings at nights,
it would really unsettle the groom.
Or you could really meet the challenge and write something clean.Getlimericking now, and make them orginal because the Dude sees all....especially you Nigel,and that’s really disgusting!
Creatordude has received yet more questions from the immortality deprived and has chosen to answer them thusly…
Spalpeen Fiduciary of Cud, Minnesota asks:
Is you is or is you ain’t my baby?
Cdude:
Well Spal, (if I may call you that) I can only assume that this question is driven by an over enthusiastic devotion to 1920’s jazz music. This alone should render you completely unattractive to the opposite sex, apart of course from those jaunty sandals that you wear with socks, so I shall answer it in your own idiom and simply say … I call my baby hinges‘cause she’s something to adore. ( Thanks to Steve & the Board circa 1967). Please don’t ask me anymore questions Spal unless they begin with:”Oh God, why me?”
Mixomatosis Jones of Bunnicarcass, Queensland asks:
How do you mend a broken heart?
Cdude:
Dear Mr.Jones, are you by any chance a friend of Spals? Only two people can answer this question for you. One is Barry Gibb and the other is the man who invented Superglue. On a medical note, hearts don’t so much break as burst and I suspect that the question: How can you mend a bursted heart might be better answered by someone of the ilk of a Pdiddy.
Fairbolt Cadiz of Little Feckless UK asks:
Is there life on Mars?
Cdude:
Well Mr.Cadiz,you and your little musical friends quite get off on this don’t you? In fact from my observations this and a hollowed out baguette full of ready-to-pour custard are the only things you sad individuals do get off on…However to answer yours and Mr.Bowie’s question, yes there is life on Mars. His name is Shoobop Trelawney-Smythe,the first,only and therefore most unsuccessful victim of the British space programme. There was never any publicity about his fate because quite frankly,the genii at the UK’s secret Boffin Downs Testing Centre didn’t expect it to head in that particular direction. If it had gone once round Tooting Bec roundabout and halfway to Bodmin Moor they would have been quite chuffed, but when it actually leapt into space it took them all by surprise…not least of all Wing Commander Trelawney-Smythe who only carried 45 minutes of oxygen. Now, ‘how can he travel all the way to Mars on just that tiny gasp of oxygen and still be alive?’ I hear you ask yourselves. Well the chap himself was long past caring when he hit the surface, but the genital herpes deep within his recently abused person was alive and well. I prefer to think of it as him rather than haemocactusscrophuluctus. So should you ever venture to the next planet in our solar system Mr Cadiz I suggest you avoid licking any soil samples and stay out of hollow logs.
Drusilla Feldspar from Awkward, New Zealand asks:
Why does Colin Powell pronounce his name Colon?
Cdude:
Well Drusilla this is an excellent question and he’s chosen to pronounce it Colon for very sound practical and political reasons. It’s simply because whenever he stands next to GW Bush he’s the anatomically closest thing to an areshole.
Dwain Forsooth of Piecemeal, Ontario asks:
How much is that Doggy in the Window?
Cdude:
What are you song title people,an evil empire? Alright, I’ll treat this seriously for you Dwain. First we have to ask ourselves some questions…What breed is this dog? Is it long haired or short haired? Does it have a pedigree? Has it been desexed? Is it your mother? Wouldn’t you feel more at home with a gerbil?
Mormon O’Goon from County Whackfoldaddiddlo, Ireland asks: To whom does the Pope confess?
Cdude:
Dear Mormon, what lovely grammar you have.Sorry I haven’t gotten back to you earlier but I’ve had to find out who this Pope person is. Found him in the Rome phone book in the end …under C for Catholic. It turns out that he actually confesses to me,which is all very touching but I stopped listening to these things at about ooh, a quarter past Paul. He has a very soft voice now, the old dear, so I don’t feel as if I’ve missed anything but if it makes him feel better we’ll just keep ‘mum’ about it, OK? Always remember that humans are desperately keen to find something/one to believe in and quite frankly the only difference between a totem pole and any given world leader is simply the density of the wood.
Chucky Habbib of Wada Fuquazat, Iraq asks:
Who killed JFK?
Cdude:
Actually this is really simple and I’m surprised that no one has been able to figure it out. All you have to do is use a very rudimentary cipher system whereby you count back one letter from each of the initials so J becomes I …F becomes E and K becomes J. Then all you have to do is find someone who was in Dallas on the day with the initials I E J and you’ve got him, or her. Unless of course we use the system of going forward one letter and then it’d be KFH, which is a type of Danish outboard motor and could be symbolic of some kind of conspiracy to do with the internal combustion engine. This just shows how complicated this can become and that it really is better to just pin it on whoever strolls by. It’s not what I had in mind at all and I was quite disappointed when he didn’t choke to death on Marilyn Monroe’s pubic hair. Jolly good plan that!
In case you missed the earlier letters( you naughty netties) they are included below....so in the words of Pinocchians 3 verse 10 "read on".
Since there has recently been so much uncertainty in the world, The Creatordude has recieved many emails from concerned residents . Those from the Middle East mostly centre around the noise and in Basra they're concerned about getting the chewing gum off the tiles in the Mosque. The Dude is always happy to help, but draws the line at providing the date of Armageddon and the secret to making whites whiter than white.
Sludo Vikicocukicic writes:
Is Slovenia the plural of Slovenium and if so, do we really need more than one?
CDude:
An excellent question Sludo.
Chenille Mefisto of Pancreos,Greece writes:
Do you think we will have our act together in time for the Olympic Games?
CDude:
Well Chenille, if your act involves giving your crumbling hotels a new coat of donkey urine, increasing security by prohibiting weapons such as knives and forks and capping pollution levels at the atmosphere of Venus, then I think you'll do just fine.
Colin Powell writes:
Wah Iz ah allus treatid lahk ah is da Steppin Fetchit of de dipple-o-plosmacy?
PS...How comes deres no Black House..seems only fair,ah means ah would even settle foh a beige one!
CDude:
Well Colin if you read your Bible, you'll find you're not in it. Not your fault of course.In the Old Testament the Hebrews were fairly pre-occupied with slaughtering everything with a foreskin (women and insects included) and in the New Testament you may have been represented by one of the Three Wise men but its highly unlikely since you went on to invent Rap. I suggest you just persevere, although I would avoid seeking solace from Condoleesa. Apparently when you get too close to her large spikes spring out of her spine. By the way, Michael Jackson says to tell you that he has a new supplier for that skin lightener because yours seems to be running out ( and you're right... they do not call it the White House for nothing). If all else fails I believe George W always enjoys a suitably humble version of Ole Man Ribber.
Clizby Sminoon writes:
Have you ever had sex with an alien?
CDude:
Are we talking boat people or students who have overstayed their visa?
Marminwee Potage writes:
Will we ever have peace in the Middle East?
CDude:
Probably not and its purely because of a technicality. Let's clear this up right now. There can be no Middle East. East is either East or its not. If its Middle East then its on its way to eventually being Middle West if it travels far enough and with some of the explosions I'm seeing lately,large chunks of it are travelling already. We never hear of trouble in the Middle North and if we did, and it moved far enough to Middle South it too would run the risk of being embroiled in the problems of the Middle East on its way through and they all would eventually occupy the entire space between East and West and become an Equator of the Damned. Naturally any opportunity for Real Estate speculation would be out of the question. What we really need , both politically and geographically, is a Middle Middle . A place where you know that everyone is wrong, so their fate is unimportant. Only then will there be peace in the Middle East (or Left West as I prefer to think of it ).
