In compiling this list The Creatordude has been forced to confront some revealing truths, not only about the last great nation on the planet but also about the terminally dim who seem to wander our streets dressed as extras from Gilligan's Island while comparing their own sad shit hole back home with God's own experiment in lethargy driven perfection.
1. Where is Australia ?
Australia is in the Southern Hemisphere, so its very important to remember that its not Austria. To help you recall the difference between the two countries just remember that one has an L in it and the other has Austrians in it.
I mention this for a very good reason (and this may come as a shock to some Americans) because despite being the only remaining World Super Power and giving us all those wonderful blockbuster movies from Hollywood, the rest of the world thinks that Americans are only slightly more intelligent than their pets. This does not, of course, include George W, whose personal test results bring the pet/owner quotient down to amoebic levels.
2. Is Australia safe for travellers?
Now Australians of course aren't perfect, in fact if you show the slightest bit of naive behaviour to a certain segment of our society, we'll take you for every cent you've got and sell your skin for a sleeping bag. We call this segment of our society, politicians and its best to avoid them. You'll find the average Australian to be friendly, helpful and generally quite understanding. Unfortunately none of them live in the cities...no, they all live in the little outback towns not too far from where your car will break down and you'll die in the desert because you didn't believe the guy who told you that it can take a whole week to drive from Sydney to Perth.
3. Do you speak English?
Lets take a look at the history of Australia, it was discovered in your proper explorer-with-a flag sense in 1770 by Captain James Cook. True, there were aborigines already living here, but they weren't aware the place needed to be officially discovered because they'd known about it for 40,000 years or so. Australia, by the way, is the oldest continent on Earth, which is why everything is always covered in dust. Now Captain Cook didn't stay too long, just collected a few souvenirs, got stuck on a reef and then sailed away to very lovely Hawaii to get speared to death on a beach while trying to purchase a ukulele from the natives for the folks back home.
England at the time was up to its Royal Family in convicts, so in 1788 Captain Arthur Phillip arrived with 12 ships full of criminals and soldiers and set up a tent city at Sydney Cove. Now this is the bit of our history that makes Australia truly unique. We are the only country in the world to be started by people who didn't want to be here.
The convicts had no choice, the soldiers were sent here because they weren't much better than the convicts and the first chance the administrators and officers got they jumped on the next ship back to England. So not a lot of team spirit happening in our early history, although it did set the scene for the way politics works in Australia to this very day. Citizens vote because its compulsory and they have no choice, and politicians, when they're not overseas on fact finding missions, work on policies to bring us into line with the rest of the 18th Century .If you've understood this so far you will have possibly realised that we do utilise a vaguely recognisable type of English .
4. Do you have race riots?
Australian and American history actually has its similarities. We both had tribes of troublesome natives who kept on getting in the way when farmers wanted to farm or empire builders wanted to put roads and rail lines over the top of their homes and families. American Indians came off much better in the history books because they rode horses, had a sophisticated level of society and agriculture and they looked great in photos with their feathers on.
Our aborigines on the other hand ate kangaroos and insects and occasionally threw pointy sticks at passers by. This is why it's taken Australia so long to fix up the problems between black and white. If the aborigines had leaders like Sitting Bull or Geronimo who looked cool on a horse and handed around corn chips we would have asked them in for a beer. Secretly, we've always wanted a romantic, groovy native population like the American Indians.
However we do have didgeridoos and boomerangs, which many of our indigenous people will be happy to sell you when the next shipments arrive from Taiwan.
5. Can I get Chinese food?
Australia prides itself on being a multi-cultural society, which means that the Government had no immigration policies and when they realised that the whole thing was out of control they made it an ethnic event. You can get any type of food from all over the world except perhaps dolphin and fruit bat and do not hesitate to ask for maple syrup should you require it.
6. Do you have cities?
Yes we do, otherwise your plane would be landing on a beach. Here is a brief list of the places we like to call our cities.
SYDNEY:
Because of all those vacationing convicts, Sydney stayed Anglo-Celtic until about the mid 60's. Now it has a large mixed population from Asia, the Middle East, and Europe as well as the descendants of those convicts who are quite happy about these other migrants because now they can get an interesting meal and have someone to blame for the drug problems. Sydney is the corruption capital of Australia, but lately the corporate sector has seen standards dropping and they've had to import American CEO's so that our banks can really get a handle on world standards of international bastardry. Sydney is considered to be very American in its style.
MELBOURNE:
Melbourne is the capital of the southern state of Victoria. Melbourne is full of rich white people who like to think they're cosmopolitan and urbane but are happy for the Greeks to drive taxis for them and the Italians to pander to them over very tiny, very expensive coffees. Melbourne was once the national capital, but then the politicians moved to Canberra and Melbourne never recovered from the insult. Melbourne is considered to be very English in its style.
CANBERRA:
Canberra was supposed to be like, lets say, a Washington DC. In fact, it was designed by an American but there the similarity ends. Canberra is in the middle of nowhere and houses our Federal politicians and the public servants who grant them sexual favours in return for watching their masters do it to the rest of the country. Canberra produces nothing, but has the advantage of being an ideal first target in the event of nuclear attack. Canberra is considered to be very Supermarket Parking Lot in its style.
ADELAIDE:
Adelaide was mostly settled by Germans who created the wine industry in South Australia but still couldn't tell a funny joke no matter how much they drank. Adelaide is famous for its churches and its Arts Festival, both of which attract many homosexuals. Adelaide used to be the homosexual capital of the nation until Sydney came up with the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras and now its just home to the pretentious. Adelaide is considered to be very Olde Worlde in its style.
HOBART:
Hobart is the capital of the island state of Tasmania and it is mostly populated by people who are superstitious about electricity and can trace their ancestry back to three names in the phone book. Hobart actually is the Olde Worlde.
PERTH:
Perth is on the far west of the country, so no one really knows who lives there but we suspect its anybody who likes to take potshots at aborigines from their caravan window.
Perth is considered to be very Modern European in its style, possibly Luxembourg.
BRISBANE:
Brisbane is the capital of Queensland, or what we call the Far North, which is confusing because politically it's the Far Right. People migrate to Queensland when they need to buy guns without a licence. Despite the constant sunshine, Queenslanders are very white and believe that concrete is more environmentally sound than scruffy animals and noisy trees. Brisbane is considered to be very Southern Californian in its style except they shoot you for carrying drugs.
DARWIN:
Darwin is the capital of our only Territory .It is our only truly multi-cultural society since it is the gateway to Indonesia, Malaysia, New Guinea and all points North. Like most gateways people keep forgetting to close it when they leave. Darwin is where we keep our rednecks. It's a lovely small city that resembles an enormous trailer park. During the dry season everyone drinks beer until it comes out of their eyes and during the wet season they go berserk and chew furniture. Darwin is not considered by anyone.
7. What do I need to go through Customs?
You should be aware that Customs Officers in Sydney are hysterically funny, extremely welcoming and love to hear that traditional greeting: "G'day pal, you look like someone's opened an umbrella in an arsehole." Australian Customs Officers are not looking for drugs or weapons but may strip search you in the hunt for plant seeds, pollen, foreign chocolate or agricultural semen that may have stuck to your shoe during any recent farm visits.
8. Do you have taxi-cabs?
Occasionally taxis are run for the convenience of the drivers, several of whom speak English. Taxi licences in Sydney are issued on the basis of lack of local knowledge, ignorance and smell. Sydney actually has many experienced, helpful and professional cab drivers but most of them will be taking vacations because the traffic will be so chaotic and moving so slowly it won't matter whether your driver knows where you want to go or not. Taxis have security screens in them to protect the passengers from the embarrassment of having to offer opinions on recent sporting events. Do not expect to pay what is on the meter once they recognise your accent.
9. Do I need to tip?
Again your accent will inform anyone offering service that you won't know any better and they therefore will expect a tip. This does not mean that you will actually receive any service or preferential treatment and its all part of making you feel right at home.
10. Can I get a good cup of coffee?
The good news is that you can get a great cup of coffee. The bad news is that you may not recognise it as such because it won't resemble American coffee which tastes as if its been passed through a Brazilian.
Remember that Sydney is a busy, modern cosmopolitan city of three point seven million people, none of whom care whether you live or die and while it is a very safe city, don't ask too many stupid questions unless you want to experience the level of condescending impatience that we usually reserve for the Japanese.
11. Will I be able to hold a koala?
Of course you will. Their razor sharp claws are ideal for penetrating that $2 Nike T-shirt you bought in Thailand. Be sure to get a photo so the Paramedics will know where to insert the enormous rabies injection.
12. What sort of money do you use?
We use a unit known as the Australian dollar, which may be anything from a half to an eighth of your own currency, unless of course you are from Afghanistan and trading in dust. Our notes are made of a unique plasticised paper that will remain completely waterproof should someone pull the remains of your chewed body from the ocean following a shark attack.
13. Are there dangerous creatures in Australia?
Yes and no. Well yes, actually. Only a few people each year are taken by sharks, but they eat Australians as well and are not necessarily targeting tourists. In recent years though, statistics seem to show that crocodiles prefer Germans and Americans, the pudgier the better. Blue ringed octopi can also induce a hideous and painful death amid picturesque surroundings, but it's actually spiders that kill more people every year. For a large enough gratuity, most room service staff will remove these from your bed before you retire (Five Star hotels only).
14. I have a five day vacation, will I be able to see Ayers Rock?
Only if you happen to be there and looking in the right direction.
We look forward to welcoming you to our wonderful country, where the air is often clean, the streets are occasionally safe and advice on what's wrong with your country is free and plentiful.
